Today is Pink Shirt Day in support of an anti-bullying movement. I wore pink and I share my story so that others may not feel so alone. I also share in hopes of making the world a better place. So, tonight, I thought was a good time to write a little about my thoughts and feelings on bullying.
First: Kids aren't the problem. Kids are not born bullies. They are not born with a heart full of hate for someone from the BIPOC community. They are not born with a mind full of disdain for people that don't belong to the same religious community that they do. Children do not come into this world with a preconceived notion about class and how that should affect their opinion of people. Children also, rarely come into this world damaged by abuse and neglect looking for someone to use as an outlet for their own pent-up fear/rage/helplessness. Kids also are not the ones who tell the principal that little Johnny couldn't possibly have bullied little Adam as that's "just not who he is". So, I say, kids aren't the problem.
Second: That makes parents the problem. We need to address this issue at the source. We can talk until we are blue in the face on Anti-Bullying Day and in rallies at our schools, but kids are still going to revert to what they learned in their home. If we don't teach the parents, we can't reach the kids. I will also say that other adults perpetuate the problem - as I am familiar with a principal at a K-9 school who was adamant that their school was bully-free. When clear-cut cases of bullying were brought forth to the administration, people were ignored, disregarded, and put off. The reason being? To discuss and admit it was an issue, meant the school was not, in fact, bully-free.
Third: The emotional trauma from childhood bullying sets people up for a lifetime of trust issues, self-esteem issues, confidence issues, mental health issues and so much more. So, ignoring the fact that your little Johnny is a bully doesn't make him not a bully, it makes you an accomplice to the bullying and it makes you an accomplice to decimating a child's entire foundation that will last well into adulthood without proper therapy and taught coping mechanisms. I have a friend who has had a child on suicide watch for more times in his 18 years on earth than any parent should have to endure. Why? Her child was bullied for being different. Endlessly. The damage that caused, coupled with mental health struggles drove him to the brink over and over and over. And yet, no one wanted to take responsibility for their little Johnny's being a part of the problem.
Fourth: As humanity, we need to be better than this. Plain and simple. We need to do better. We need to teach our children better. We should not need to teach children how to stand up to a bully or how to cope with being bullied. We need to get parents to pull their proverbial heads out of their asses and take a hard look in the mirror and at what they have created. There is so much divisiveness in the world these days around politics, the pandemic, movements like BLM, pride parades, and virtually every topic on social media - even the innocuous ones. The last thing we need is people perpetuating old belief systems and instilling them in their children.
If you want a bit of a glimpse into my story, you can check my first blog on this page, labeled "The Give Thanks Movement". I will not rehash too much of it right now just for the sake of taking up more time out of your day. What I will say is this: I have experienced what bullying can do to a child, adolescent, and adult first hand. Bullying is not a one-time thing, not a moment where someone gets mad and says mean things. Bullying is hate notes, ostracizing someone from a social group, undermining friendships, saying mean things, starting rumours, spreading rumours someone else started, snide remarks, making fun of hair/clothes/food/name relentlessly day in and day out. Bullying is tormenting someone over a period of time. It is something that deteriorates whatever self-worth and self-confidence someone has until there is nothing left and one can only hope at some point a therapist or a good mentor will come along and help sew up some of those holes.
I want to note that there is also bullying amongst adults and I don't disregard that. I am simply more familiar with childhood bullying from my own experience, my friend's experiences, my experiences as a mom. So, I don't want to wade into waters I haven't had to deal with too extensively. Although, there was this woman, one time, at one of my jobs that bullied a lot of others and undermined them to people in authoritative positions, so I guess I have had that experience, but, it's not my area of lived expertise.
I want to leave you with a couple points to ponder. Are you or have you, at any time, turned a blind eye to something your child has done or been accused of doing because you didn't believe it? We want to believe the best of our kids, but sometimes that leaves us blind to what havoc they are wreaking on others. If it has been perceived that they have been bullying someone, I ask that you take it seriously. Do some digging, have a chat with them. We are the parent and we can be part of the solution, or we can perpetuate the problem. If you have been someone who has been bullied and you have not availed yourself of the opportunity for some therapy or personal growth workshops to work through it, do me and yourself a favour and do that. Write letters, burn letters, go to a counselor, talk to a friend. Here's what I want you to know: Your worth is not defined by what someone else thinks of you OR by what someone else's actions have made you think of yourself. Get help. If you don't, it will eat away at your self-worth and confidence for the rest of your life.
Lastly, be kind. Teach your children kindness and compassion, even if that isn't part of your lived experience. Teach your children and yourself to explore others' differences rather than look at them as ways to exploit them as perceived weaknesses. Please, if you profess to be part of any religion, take a look at the book that you worship from. Seek to understand, not to judge. Look at the messages of love and kindness and compassion for all and understand that it doesn't only mean the people that look like you, worship like you, are able to the online shop as you. Please look in the mirror and ask yourself if you have been impressing your biases onto your children and how that might affect how they show up in the world. We really need more kindness in this world and each of us has the power to let it start with us.
Thanks for reading. I will say - if you feel lost/bullied/hurt/depressed/anxious and you don't have anyone to reach out to, please contact me. You should be able to reach out through this blog or you can email me at rydynhighranch@yahoo.ca (I don't check it every day as it isn't my primary, but I don't want to give my primary address out for the scammers to access) - but PLEASE reach out. You are worth loving yourself even if you feel like no one else does. You are worthy of great opportunities, love, and connection. If you don't know how to find it - contact me and I will help connect you. I have lived through bullying. I have survived bullying. With all my flaws, I still believe myself to be resilient and thriving and that is no thanks to the kids who hated on me because of my "lack of religion", my hand-me-down clothes, and my "differences". It is thanks in large part to my husband, friends, and family who held me up through and after all the bull shit that happened when I was younger, good therapy, and my ability to purge my hurt through writing.
You are enough. You are worthy. You are valued. You are lovable. You can change the world.
Be Kind. Be Compassionate. Love your damn neighbour.
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