Funny story, and one indicative of just what I wanted to write about today. I held off on making this post as I wanted to do it on the anniversary of my accident, which I would have sworn was December 6th. Looking back at my Facebook memories and then confirming with my calendar tells me that it was December 3, 2016, that was a life-altering moment for me, not the 6th. So, now I am three days late with my anniversary post. Welcome to life post-brain injury.
4 years ago, I was at a gymkhana with a friend of mine that we had been participating in the series for a couple months. My hubby, daughter, and sister came along to visit and watch. This gymkhana series was really just motivation for me to get my butt on my horses in the winter and have some fun with some friends. The day started out normally enough, but it took a bad turn that could have killed me, but most definitely changed my life forever.
I was riding my big ol' reliable horse home in the barrel racing event when something went sideways - literally. It was me. Somehow, my horse and I parted ways and I ended up skull to pipe connecting with the panel at the end of the arena. I lost consciousness and most of what happened in the next hours, even days, I know not from memory, but from what I was told. I was unconscious for a while and apparently did the funky chicken a bit, just to really drive dread into the hearts of my family. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in a neck brace and was later sent home with a bad concussion. (I might mention, I don't know this to be true, but I am 99% sure that Rimbey doesn't have any scanning machines and I was not sent to Red Deer, so I don't think anyone checked my physical melon in this "examination").
For days and weeks, I suffered tremendous headaches, severe brain fog, memory loss, and balance issues. I went to my family doctor who told me I was experiencing PCS - post-concussion syndrome. He also sent me for a CT scan. I attended alone (and probably shouldn't have given my physical and mental state) and the CT doctor saw something that made them worry so they told me that I could not leave the hospital until they could consult my doc and a brain specialist in Edmonton. This spurred my anxiety into high gear, so I called my husband and he came to wait with me for the news. Turns out my skull was actually fractured and it appeared to be putting pressure on my brain in the scan. I had an appointment made with a specialist 4 days later, so I knew it wasn't quite life or death, but 4 days to get to a specialist isn't much time, so it was pretty damn close.
Went to the specialist appointment and learned that my skull had fragmented to some degree and there were chunks of bone floating in the ether between my brain and my skull, but he felt it would heal ok without surgical intervention and sent me home. End of the physical part of the injury story. Well, not quite. I still have a crater in my skull and just the other day, one of my dogs collided with me head to head and that area and it nearly knocked me on my ass, so perhaps it's not as healed as he figured it would be, even 4 years later.
Despite the physical brain and skull supposedly healing as expected, the actual repercussions were far-reaching and long-lasting. The fog and fatigue continued, the vestibular issues were so bad that when I walked around a corner at work, I had to stop and get my bearings as I was like a drunken sailor on a ship with no balance and everything moving around me. I also had headaches for days on end. I was struggling to keep up with my full-time job workload (I should have never been back to work, but if you have never had a traumatic brain injury, you don't know this stuff). I was drowning and told my husband we had to change something.
Thus the idea to move to BC was born. It was supposed to be a change of pace, me not working, us living a simpler life, etc. It 100% did not work out that way and we are now back in Alberta because of the financial, mental, and marital toll that the cattle ranching venture took. That said, I was able to take a year off of work (which contributed to the financial toll and increased my stress levels and anxiety) and allow my brain some time to heal.
So, why am I talking about all this today? The fact is, I am still dealing with PCS. I hide it well most days. People don't see the headaches, insomnia, the absence of words in my vocabulary that should absolutely be there, my memory issues. I am still able to function, so similar to a functioning alcoholic, I am a functioning traumatic brain injury (TBI) survivor. I go to work every day where I lead a team and I work towards my goals and I am a hard-working employee. I come home and I make dinner. And I am exhausted mentally and physically, almost all of the time. Especially on hard days at work where I need to use a lot of my mental capacity to handle changes coming our way or customers or right now, Covid related issues in people's financial lives and in our lives as a whole. I come home exhausted and barely make it through my required tasks before I crash.
I have a close friend who still suffers tremendous repercussions from multiple TBIs and PCS. The problem is that she and I, we look ok. You don't look at us and think, wow, they must be only partially functioning sometimes. You don't look at us and see headaches, brain fog, exhaustion. You also don't see the guilt. You don't see the weight we carry when we feel like we can't go on and feel weak for saying so. You don't see the pain we push through to have a hard conversation with a family member or friend that needs us at the moment. You don't see the struggle to get up and keep going one more day. But we do because we care. We care about our people, our reputation, our livelihoods, We want desperately to feel like we function at 100%, and frankly, some of the time that's what we want others to see as well. But sometimes, sometimes, (and I won't speak for others, but I will for myself), I really wish that people understood brain injury and PCS better. I wish that I didn't feel guilty for needing a nap or saying no to doing all the things (though right now there isn't much to say no to). I wish I could take a brain day off work once in a while to just rest my struggling brain.
Concussions and PCS are no joke. There is a reason people commit suicide after suffering one or more concussions and living with the consequences. The symptoms of both are really hard to deal with some days, the guilt of not being who everyone thinks you should be and the feeling of loss of your life as you knew it takes a toll.
Today, I am writing this to bring some awareness of traumatic brain injury and post-concussion syndrome. Do you know someone who has had concussions? Do you see that they are "off" sometimes? They may be. They may need more rest or downtime. They may struggle to do all the things they used to do. That doesn't mean they don't want to. It may mean they have to say no. All I ask is that you don't take it personally, that you ask questions, that you offer help if it seems appropriate and that you cut them a little slack, because there isn't a doubt in my mind that they are beating themselves up for everything they want to do, but can't.
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